If you are just joining me for this post you should begin by checking out the first post of this series The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce.
I hate to acknowledge the growing number of families that find themselves neck deep in the pain and suffering of divorce, but I feel that there is always something that can be learned from the pain of others. Today there will be insights shared that might just help maybe one of two people learn from the places where I feel short in my marriage.
Let me start with a motto for this post: Divorce is ugly. Divorce is painful. Divorce sucks. But God is great and He will never divorce you.
6. Take the hints when your spouse wants to do something
It took me until a week after my ex-wife left me to realize the real implication of the phrase "take the hint." Women are subtle, and they rarely give men the black and white, step by step instructions we so desire. As a man I want nothing more than to make my wife happy. I would do anything for her, but I can only do that when I know what it is she wants.
Men are fairly loyal and generally we don't think twice about laying our lives down for our brothers in battle, taking a hit from a speeding car to save our children, or sacrificing our desires to please the women we love. The first two are easy. They have very defined boundaries and job descriptions. Self sacrifice comes easy when we know what the expectations are. The third, self sacrifice to please our wives, comes less naturally. We aren't male versions of Miss Cleo who know exactly what our wives want all the time.
So here is the truth, take the hints. When she asks if you want to go out and do something tonight, it really means that she wants to go out. If she asks if you want to watch a chick flick or a war movie, the fact that she said chick flick first means that she wants to watch a girly movie. If she asks if you are feeling hungry, it really means she is thinking about food and wants to eat.
It isn't rocket science for the most part. Men, we just need to listen to all of the little things that our women say and take note and action.
Bonus: When you pick up on the little things, she will think you are a better listener. Most often she will open up more in the future making the job of taking the hint progressively easier.
7. Don't accept "I'm fine." as a final answer
I hate it when people say "I'm fine." It is very similar to sending a one word text message followed by a period. It just doesn't convey anything about being fine. It says: I am sad, I'm upset, I don't want to tell you, Leave me alone...etc. So here is my new answer, "ok, but know that I am here whenever you want to talk."
I have learned that "I'm fine" is code for "there is something that is really bothering me, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet." The key there is the yet part, but in order for the time to come when your wife is ready to talk about it she has to feel safe, feel loved, and feel important. And she must feel all of these things at the same time.
First of all, feeling safe has very little to do with her physical security. Woman want to feel safe knowing that you aren't going to hurt them emotionally. You are going to listen to their feelings and not ever bring them up in the future to hurt them.
Secondly they want to know that you love them endlessly. That you love is not dependent on anything more than the fact that they are alive. That you love them in all circumstances and always.
Last and most importantly I have found that women are wanting to feel important. They want to be the center of the universe to you and only you. A good start to making her feel important is to care. Don't fake it. Women have radar for that kind of thing. Actually care about what is wrong and make empathizing the goal of you caring, not fixing the problem. I struggle with this still today. I am a repairman, but since I know this I have an advantage because I know where to focus my attention.
Bonus: When you really care about what is bothering her when she says "I'm fine" she will start talking sooner and feel better sooner. This means that the two of you can get back to laughing sooner when something puts you both into a funk.
8. There are no secrets in marriage
This is a double edge sword. It goes both ways in a sense. There is nothing that you can keep as a secret in your marriage forever, and there is nothing that should be kept as a secret from your spouse.
I like to think that since marriage is a God made institution that there are many God-Like qualities that are present in it. For instance, I often found myself trying to hide my flaws from my ex-wife, but she always knew all about them. Looking back I see how stupid that was and that it is similar to trying to hide your sins from God. He knows what you have done, and he never plans to bring it up to hurt you. He just wants you to admit that what you did was wrong so that he can love you in your victories even more.
I also found that secrets work like a wood splitting wedge. They drive in between the two people deeper and deeper until finally something breaks which separates the two pieces which were once united as a single unit. This is especially visible when they are secrets that we think we are protecting our spouse from. Things from our past we embarrassed about, or things from our present we are ashamed of sharing. Just take the risk and tell them the truth.
The other reason there are no secrets in marriage is simple. Our spouses know how to point out our mistakes and they know when we make them. This gives them a prime vantage point to catch us in lies and to discover things that others would never be able to discern. Don't bother hiding things, it is only a matter of time before they know ever dirty little secret you have in your closet. Remember their clothes are in the other half of the closet.
Bonus: When you stop hiding things from your spouse trust increases, and when trust increases so does intimacy. The are some physical benefits to intimacy.
9. Encourage outside friendships
As a young guy, sub-30, I witness too many young couples without friends. They spend every waking second together and forget to spend time away with other people. Something I learned in marriage, and I am still learning today, is the importance of having outside friends. There are many situations in life where you need more than just the support of the person on the other side of the bed.
There are other benefits to having more friends while you are dating, engaged and married. A huge benefit is the blessing that it is to have people that know both you and your significant other and are able to give advice that applies directly to the two of you. They can pour their knowledge directly into your life with meaning and direction. They can also see potentially rough waters ahead when they aren't the ones sitting in the boat.
Bonus: Friends can often speak wisdom to your spouse that you would never be able to share to them, and you will have excuses to get out of the house for man trips to the gun range, or lady trips to the salon.
10. Spend money making memories: Plan trips together
Though this falls to # 10 on the list I think it should take much greater importance than many other points on the list. There are some things in life that go beyond the value of money in importance: Friendship, Family, Children, Memories, Time, Faith.
When I look back at my failed marriage, I don't see hate or pain or anger. I see all of the memories that were made. Sadly, most of those memories were made in the beginning and slowly faded away in frequency over time. We stopped making it a point to do things just to make memories and have fun. We became so tied up in our lives and the the things that we needed to get done that we often forgot to make time to make memories.
Looking back, I wish I had scheduled time to take trips. I wish I would have dedicated part of my budget to memories and relationship growth. I never felt distant from my spouse when we were making a memory that would last a lifetime. It was actually something that was much more important than I gave it credit for. Memories are the things that you talk about. They are the things that you brag to your friends about. They are the things that you plug into conversation to talk about your spouse just to have the chance to bring them up to your friends.
Bonus: When you make memories with your spouse you will talk about them more and you will have a more positive image about your relationship, and you will have spent quality time getting to know your spouse and showing them how important they are to you. Generally this leads to increased intimacy.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce
(Part 1 of 3)
I am deviating from my normal topics of personal financial empowerment to talk about another topic that has hit close to home this year.
This post is in dedication to "Single Dad Laughing" a blog that recently posted a series of posts entitles 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage So here is my take on the things that I learned from my failed marriage. Maybe you can take something from it, or you can learn from my mistakes. I'd love feedback before I finish writing the other two posts for this series.
Enjoy & Merry Christmas!
1. Lead even when you aren't being followed
This was one of the lessons that I didn't learn until months after my divorce. There is more to being a leader than just directing the path of a relationship. Leading is more about being a man that is worthy to be followed. Making the choices that would be the best no matter who is looking at them.
I too often fell into the trap of leading only when my wife was looking to follow me. I forgot that I should be acting like a leader in every area of my life even when my wife wasn't interested in the things I had to say.
Bonus: When you act like a leader when people aren't following, others notice, respect and follow you out of desire instead of obligation.
2. Forgive first. Ask for forgiveness later
We have all heard the saying "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission." That may be true in the business world at times, but it has no place in a loving marriage. Our calling as a spouse is to forgive first. Be the bigger man and take that awful first step.
Looking back at my failed marriage I see scars we both left on each other's backs by not forgiving first. We were both young and selfish at times and we weren't willing to forgive each other of our past mistakes. Not only was that a horrible example to each other of our love, but it was a horrible way to build trust and intimacy. If I would have fully forgiven my wife of the ways that she had hurt me in the past I would have been much more trusting and supporting of everything she did. I wouldn't have felt the need to ask so many questions out of jealousy or distrust.
Bonus: When you forgive your spouse to the extent that your love covers over their faults you will find yourself more in love with the person on the other side of the bed. You might even be forgiven for all of the ways that you have hurt them in the past without even asking for/deserving it.
3. Take interest in your spouse's interests
I remember some of the things that were said to me by my wife during our divorce. The things that hurt the most at that time were the things that I knew were true. I had enough 20/20 vision in my rearview mirror to realize how much I had hurt her with my lack of support.
It wasn't that I didn't support her choices to go and do things different from the things that I choose to do. It was a hurt because I never came to watch her, or take part in her interests. I never knew that it was something that hurt so bad until recently when my mother (in her late 50's) told me how excited she was to have her mother come watch a performance at the preschool that my mother directs. That really put into perspective how much we desire the affirmation of our loved ones. Affirmation that just comes from standing on the sidelines.
Similarly to how a child looks up to their parents to come and be their biggest fans at all of their sporting events, choir concerts, band recitals, or poetry readings; your spouse wants you to be their biggest fan. The only difference is they aren't going to beg you to come watch them.
Bonus: When you cheer for your spouse, they will also cheer for you. It creates a special bond, much like being on a sports team that is very strong and united.
4. Never talk bad about their family. Even if they do.
We all fall into the conversations about our bad days at work, how we hate the government, or how much it irks us when people cut us off in the parking lot for the last spot when we are late for class. But here is some free advise: DON'T FALL INTO THE CONVERSATION TALKING BAD ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE'S FAMILY! As much as your spouse may want to vent about how her mom did this, her dad did that, how she isn't respected enough or how she wishes her dead beat brother would do something productive, it is never your place to join in on the conversation.
Listening to your spouse vent about their family is great, but never say anything degrading. It is often taken as an attack not only on their family, but also an attack at them. They might have just called their brother a worthless lazy bum, but that doesn't mean you have any right to say that same sentence back to them.
Take it from a childhood saying. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Bonus: Always talking positively about your in-laws will create positive expectations for the times when you are with them. "It isn't that we set our expectations too high and fail to achieve them, rather it is that we set them too low and stop at achieving them." People always live down to your expectations for them.
5. Remember what was exciting to do before you got married
Society has placed such a high demand for us to get out and do things when we are dating. I think it is a great way to build a friendship and create shared memories with someone, so why do we so often stop taking the time to do all the fun things once we get married?
Remember dating? Walks in the park, going on day trips to a lake, the zoo, trips to meet parents, weekends camping, nights out under the city lights, and trips to the country to look at the stars. Those are all such great memories. But, so many of us get so tied up in the normal activities of life and the rituals of our weeks that we forget to take time to do the fun things we did while we were dating.
Think of how much more fun it would be to goof off with your wife on a college campus, or how great it would be to waste a whole day at the mall trying on clothes that you would never actually buy. What great memories you can make when you go to the mall, try on outfits and then take pictures of yourselves dancing with mannequins.
Bonus: All of the memories you make with your spouse will help you remember why you fell in love with them. It will often lead to making more memories later that night.
I am deviating from my normal topics of personal financial empowerment to talk about another topic that has hit close to home this year.
This post is in dedication to "Single Dad Laughing" a blog that recently posted a series of posts entitles 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage So here is my take on the things that I learned from my failed marriage. Maybe you can take something from it, or you can learn from my mistakes. I'd love feedback before I finish writing the other two posts for this series.
Enjoy & Merry Christmas!
1. Lead even when you aren't being followed
This was one of the lessons that I didn't learn until months after my divorce. There is more to being a leader than just directing the path of a relationship. Leading is more about being a man that is worthy to be followed. Making the choices that would be the best no matter who is looking at them.
I too often fell into the trap of leading only when my wife was looking to follow me. I forgot that I should be acting like a leader in every area of my life even when my wife wasn't interested in the things I had to say.
Bonus: When you act like a leader when people aren't following, others notice, respect and follow you out of desire instead of obligation.
2. Forgive first. Ask for forgiveness later
We have all heard the saying "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission." That may be true in the business world at times, but it has no place in a loving marriage. Our calling as a spouse is to forgive first. Be the bigger man and take that awful first step.
Looking back at my failed marriage I see scars we both left on each other's backs by not forgiving first. We were both young and selfish at times and we weren't willing to forgive each other of our past mistakes. Not only was that a horrible example to each other of our love, but it was a horrible way to build trust and intimacy. If I would have fully forgiven my wife of the ways that she had hurt me in the past I would have been much more trusting and supporting of everything she did. I wouldn't have felt the need to ask so many questions out of jealousy or distrust.
Bonus: When you forgive your spouse to the extent that your love covers over their faults you will find yourself more in love with the person on the other side of the bed. You might even be forgiven for all of the ways that you have hurt them in the past without even asking for/deserving it.
3. Take interest in your spouse's interests
I remember some of the things that were said to me by my wife during our divorce. The things that hurt the most at that time were the things that I knew were true. I had enough 20/20 vision in my rearview mirror to realize how much I had hurt her with my lack of support.
It wasn't that I didn't support her choices to go and do things different from the things that I choose to do. It was a hurt because I never came to watch her, or take part in her interests. I never knew that it was something that hurt so bad until recently when my mother (in her late 50's) told me how excited she was to have her mother come watch a performance at the preschool that my mother directs. That really put into perspective how much we desire the affirmation of our loved ones. Affirmation that just comes from standing on the sidelines.
Similarly to how a child looks up to their parents to come and be their biggest fans at all of their sporting events, choir concerts, band recitals, or poetry readings; your spouse wants you to be their biggest fan. The only difference is they aren't going to beg you to come watch them.
Bonus: When you cheer for your spouse, they will also cheer for you. It creates a special bond, much like being on a sports team that is very strong and united.
4. Never talk bad about their family. Even if they do.
We all fall into the conversations about our bad days at work, how we hate the government, or how much it irks us when people cut us off in the parking lot for the last spot when we are late for class. But here is some free advise: DON'T FALL INTO THE CONVERSATION TALKING BAD ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE'S FAMILY! As much as your spouse may want to vent about how her mom did this, her dad did that, how she isn't respected enough or how she wishes her dead beat brother would do something productive, it is never your place to join in on the conversation.
Listening to your spouse vent about their family is great, but never say anything degrading. It is often taken as an attack not only on their family, but also an attack at them. They might have just called their brother a worthless lazy bum, but that doesn't mean you have any right to say that same sentence back to them.
Take it from a childhood saying. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Bonus: Always talking positively about your in-laws will create positive expectations for the times when you are with them. "It isn't that we set our expectations too high and fail to achieve them, rather it is that we set them too low and stop at achieving them." People always live down to your expectations for them.
5. Remember what was exciting to do before you got married
Society has placed such a high demand for us to get out and do things when we are dating. I think it is a great way to build a friendship and create shared memories with someone, so why do we so often stop taking the time to do all the fun things once we get married?
Remember dating? Walks in the park, going on day trips to a lake, the zoo, trips to meet parents, weekends camping, nights out under the city lights, and trips to the country to look at the stars. Those are all such great memories. But, so many of us get so tied up in the normal activities of life and the rituals of our weeks that we forget to take time to do the fun things we did while we were dating.
Think of how much more fun it would be to goof off with your wife on a college campus, or how great it would be to waste a whole day at the mall trying on clothes that you would never actually buy. What great memories you can make when you go to the mall, try on outfits and then take pictures of yourselves dancing with mannequins.
Bonus: All of the memories you make with your spouse will help you remember why you fell in love with them. It will often lead to making more memories later that night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)