The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce

(Part 1 of 3)

I am deviating from my normal topics of personal financial empowerment to talk about another topic that has hit close to home this year. 

This post is in dedication to "Single Dad Laughing" a blog that recently posted a series of posts entitles 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage So here is my take on the things that I learned from my failed marriage. Maybe you can take something from it, or you can learn from my mistakes. I'd love feedback before I finish writing the other two posts for this series.

Enjoy & Merry Christmas!

1. Lead even when you aren't being followed

This was one of the lessons that I didn't learn until months after my divorce. There is more to being a leader than just directing the path of a relationship. Leading is more about being a man that is worthy to be followed. Making the choices that would be the best no matter who is looking at them.

I too often fell into the trap of leading only when my wife was looking to follow me. I forgot that I should be acting like a leader in every area of my life even when my wife wasn't interested in the things I had to say.

Bonus: When you act like a leader when people aren't following, others notice, respect and follow you out of desire instead of obligation. 

2. Forgive first. Ask for forgiveness later

We have all heard the saying "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission." That may be true in the business world at times, but it has no place in a loving marriage. Our calling as a spouse is to forgive first. Be the bigger man and take that awful first step.

Looking back at my failed marriage I see scars we both left on each other's backs by not forgiving first. We were both young and selfish at times and we weren't willing to forgive each other of our past mistakes. Not only was that a horrible example to each other of our love, but it was a horrible way to build trust and intimacy. If I would have fully forgiven my wife of the ways that she had hurt me in the past I would have been much more trusting and supporting of everything she did. I wouldn't have felt the need to ask so many questions out of jealousy or distrust.

Bonus: When you forgive your spouse to the extent that your love covers over their faults you will find yourself more in love with the person on the other side of the bed. You might even be forgiven for all of the ways that you have hurt them in the past without even asking for/deserving it. 

3. Take interest in your spouse's interests

I remember some of the things that were said to me by my wife during our divorce. The things that hurt the most at that time were the things that I knew were true. I had enough 20/20 vision in my rearview mirror to realize how much I had hurt her with my lack of support.

It wasn't that I didn't support her choices to go and do things different from the things that I choose to do. It was a hurt because I never came to watch her, or take part in her interests. I never knew that it was something that hurt so bad until recently when my mother (in her late 50's) told me how excited she was to have her mother come watch a performance at the preschool that my mother directs. That really put into perspective how much we desire the affirmation of our loved ones. Affirmation that just comes from standing on the sidelines.

Similarly to how a child looks up to their parents to come and be their biggest fans at all of their sporting events, choir concerts, band recitals, or poetry readings; your spouse wants you to be their biggest fan. The only difference is they aren't going to beg you to come watch them.

Bonus: When you cheer for your spouse, they will also cheer for you. It creates a special bond, much like being on a sports team that is very strong and united. 

4. Never talk bad about their family. Even if they do.

We all fall into the conversations about our bad days at work, how we hate the government, or how much it irks us when people cut us off in the parking lot for the last spot when we are late for class. But here is some free advise: DON'T FALL INTO THE CONVERSATION TALKING BAD ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE'S FAMILY! As much as your spouse may want to vent about how her mom did this, her dad did that, how she isn't respected enough or how she wishes her dead beat brother would do something productive, it is never your place to join in on the conversation.

Listening to your spouse vent about their family is great, but never say anything degrading. It is often taken as an attack not only on their family, but also an attack at them. They might have just called their brother a worthless lazy bum, but that doesn't mean you have any right to say that same sentence back to them.

Take it from a childhood saying. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Bonus: Always talking positively about your in-laws will create positive expectations for the times when you are with them. "It isn't that we set our expectations too high and fail to achieve them, rather it is that we set them too low and stop at achieving them." People always live down to your expectations for them. 

5. Remember what was exciting to do before you got married

Society has placed such a high demand for us to get out and do things when we are dating. I think it is a great way to build a friendship and create shared memories with someone, so why do we so often stop taking the time to do all the fun things once we get married?

Remember dating? Walks in the park, going on day trips to a lake, the zoo, trips to meet parents, weekends camping, nights out under the city lights, and trips to the country to look at the stars. Those are all such great memories. But, so many of us get so tied up in the normal activities of life and the rituals of our weeks that we forget to take time to do the fun things we did while we were dating.

Think of how much more fun it would be to goof off with your wife on a college campus, or how great it would be to waste a whole day at the mall trying on clothes that you would never actually buy. What great memories you can make when you go to the mall, try on outfits and then take pictures of yourselves dancing with mannequins.

Bonus: All of the memories you make with your spouse will help you remember why you fell in love with them. It will often lead to making more memories later that night.