The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce (2 of 3)

If you are just joining me for this post you should begin by checking out the first post of this series The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce. 

I hate to acknowledge the growing number of families that find themselves neck deep in the pain and suffering of divorce, but I feel that there is always something that can be learned from the pain of others. Today there will be insights shared that might just help maybe one of two people learn from the places where I feel short in my marriage.

Let me start with a motto for this post: Divorce is ugly. Divorce is painful. Divorce sucks. But God is great and He will never divorce you.


6. Take the hints when your spouse wants to do something

It took me until a week after my ex-wife left me to realize the real implication of the phrase "take the hint." Women are subtle, and they rarely give men the black and white, step by step instructions we so desire. As a man I want nothing more than to make my wife happy. I would do anything for her, but I can only do that when I know what it is she wants.

Men are fairly loyal and generally we don't think twice about laying our lives down for our brothers in battle, taking a hit from a speeding car to save our children, or sacrificing our desires to please the women we love. The first two are easy. They have very defined boundaries and job descriptions. Self sacrifice comes easy when we know what the expectations are. The third, self sacrifice to please our wives, comes less naturally. We aren't male versions of Miss Cleo who know exactly what our wives want all the time.

So here is the truth, take the hints. When she asks if you want to go out and do something tonight, it really means that she wants to go out. If she asks if you want to watch a chick flick or a war movie, the fact that she said chick flick first means that she wants to watch a girly movie. If she asks if you are feeling hungry, it really means she is thinking about food and wants to eat.

It isn't rocket science for the most part. Men, we just need to listen to all of the little things that our women say and take note and action.

Bonus: When you pick up on the little things, she will think you are a better listener. Most often she will open up more in the future making the job of taking the hint progressively easier.


7. Don't accept "I'm fine." as a final answer

I hate it when people say "I'm fine." It is very similar to sending a one word text message followed by a period. It just doesn't convey anything about being fine. It says: I am sad, I'm upset, I don't want to tell you, Leave me alone...etc. So here is my new answer, "ok, but know that I am here whenever you want to talk."

I have learned that "I'm fine" is code for "there is something that is really bothering me, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet." The key there is the yet part, but in order for the time to come when your wife is ready to talk about it she has to feel safe, feel loved, and feel important. And she must feel all of these things at the same time.

First of all, feeling safe has very little to do with her physical security. Woman want to feel safe knowing that you aren't going to hurt them emotionally. You are going to listen to their feelings and not ever bring them up in the future to hurt them.

Secondly they want to know that you love them endlessly. That you love is not dependent on anything more than the fact that they are alive. That you love them in all circumstances and always.

Last and most importantly I have found that women are wanting to feel important. They want to be the center of the universe to you and only you. A good start to making her feel important is to care. Don't fake it. Women have radar for that kind of thing. Actually care about what is wrong and make empathizing the goal of you caring, not fixing the problem. I struggle with this still today. I am a repairman, but since I know this I have an advantage because I know where to focus my attention.

Bonus: When you really care about what is bothering her when she says "I'm fine" she will start talking sooner and feel better sooner. This means that the two of you can get back to laughing sooner when something puts you both into a funk.


8. There are no secrets in marriage

This is a double edge sword. It goes both ways in a sense. There is nothing that you can keep as a secret in your marriage forever, and there is nothing that should be kept as a secret from your spouse.

I like to think that since marriage is a God made institution that there are many God-Like qualities that are present in it. For instance, I often found myself trying to hide my flaws from my ex-wife, but she always knew all about them. Looking back I see how stupid that was and that it is similar to trying to hide your sins from God. He knows what you have done, and he never plans to bring it up to hurt you. He just wants you to admit that what you did was wrong so that he can love you in your victories even more.

I also found that secrets work like a wood splitting wedge. They drive in between the two people deeper and deeper until finally something breaks which separates the two pieces which were once united as a single unit. This is especially visible when they are secrets that we think we are protecting our spouse from. Things from our past we embarrassed about, or things from our present we are ashamed of sharing. Just take the risk and tell them the truth.

The other reason there are no secrets in marriage is simple. Our spouses know how to point out our mistakes and they know when we make them. This gives them a prime vantage point to catch us in lies and to discover things that others would never be able to discern. Don't bother hiding things, it is only a matter of time before they know ever dirty little secret you have in your closet. Remember their clothes are in the other half of the closet. 

Bonus: When you stop hiding things from your spouse trust increases, and when trust increases so does intimacy. The are some physical benefits to intimacy.

9. Encourage outside friendships

As a young guy, sub-30, I witness too many young couples without friends. They spend every waking second together and forget to spend time away with other people. Something I learned in marriage, and I am still learning today, is the importance of having outside friends. There are many situations in life where you need more than just the support of the person on the other side of the bed.

There are other benefits to having more friends while you are dating, engaged and married. A huge benefit is the blessing that it is to have people that know both you and your significant other and are able to give advice that applies directly to the two of you. They can pour their knowledge directly into your life with meaning and direction. They can also see potentially rough waters ahead when they aren't the ones sitting in the boat.

Bonus: Friends can often speak wisdom to your spouse that you would never be able to share to them, and you will have excuses to get out of the house for man trips to the gun range, or lady trips to the salon.


10. Spend money making memories: Plan trips together

Though this falls to # 10 on the list I think it should take much greater importance than many other points on the list. There are some things in life that go beyond the value of money in importance: Friendship, Family, Children, Memories, Time, Faith. 

When I look back at my failed marriage, I don't see hate or pain or anger. I see all of the memories that were made. Sadly, most of those memories were made in the beginning and slowly faded away in frequency over time. We stopped making it a point to do things just to make memories and have fun. We became so tied up in our lives and the the things that we needed to get done that we often forgot to make time to make memories.

Looking back, I wish I had scheduled time to take trips. I wish I would have dedicated part of my budget to memories and relationship growth. I never felt distant from my spouse when we were making a memory that would last a lifetime. It was actually something that was much more important than I gave it credit for. Memories are the things that you talk about. They are the things that you brag to your friends about. They are the things that you plug into conversation to talk about your spouse just to have the chance to bring them up to your friends.

Bonus: When you make memories with your spouse you will talk about them more and you will have a more positive image about your relationship, and you will have spent quality time getting to know your spouse and showing them how important they are to you. Generally this leads to increased intimacy.