Monday, September 9, 2013
15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce (3 of 3)
If you are just joining me for this post you should begin by checking out the first post of this series The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce.
And then check out the second post of the series 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce (Part 2)
I know that I am a horrible blogger because I often forget to publish or even completely write out the posts for my blog, I do hope that when I do they are impactful and meaningful to those of you that do take the time to read them.
So... Continuing onward with this series. This may be the finally of my series on marriage, but I am sure that it will be a topic that comes up again in the future.
11. Stand up for your opinions and learn to fight with your spouse
I like to remember that what I believe in is worth fighting for. Even when it is completely opposite to what your significant other believes. "Fight" isn't always the right word for everyone to use in this situation, but it is the best way for me explain how passionate I am about expressing your opinion to your spouse. The one thing that I wish I would have had most in my failed marriage was a wife who would fight with me. A strong woman who told me when I was wrong and really believed in it.
Too often my opinions would run over my spouse, mostly because we didn't know how to fight. We were both so conflict adverse that we would avoid fighting over things that we really believed in just because we thought the other didn't like fighting. I've come to learn that I love to fight. I love to argue. I love to debate what I believe and why I believe it, and the real kicker is that I want to hear from my significant other the things that they are passionate about, believe in, and what means so much to them they are willing to ruffle a few feathers.
Bonus: Fighting can become a fun thing. You will learn more about each other by having little mini arguments about different things, which can lead to deeper intimacy because you become more attracted to your spouse as your realize how they are unique and beautiful in every way they are different from you.
12. Say "Thank you" to all of their compliments
This might be the hardest piece of personal advice for me to follow. I struggle with self esteem because of a past of being let down by people I loved. I always want to discount compliments because I really don't believe that they are true. Well.... that is just stupid! The honest truth is I need to say "Thank you!" more often. I've noticed that not only do i get more compliments when I say thank you each and everytime, but I slowly start to believe what people are telling me.
As a couple we struggled believing the things that we said to each other. This wasn't because the compliments weren't true. It was because the compliments were absolutely true in the eyes of our spouse, but we weren't ready to say thank you and accept them.
Every spouse needs to hear that they are liked, loved and beautiful. Saying thank you will help this need to fulfilled more quickly.
Bonus: You become happier as your self image improves, and you will notice that people are more willing to give you compliments in the future.
13. You're never "too right" to learn from what your spouse has to say
I often failed at listening to my spouse when I thought I was right. I may have been right, I must have been wrong most of the time too. I failed by not learning from her point of view, when I thought I had the solution and the right answer to "fix" the problem.
I should have listened more, talked less, and used everything that my wife said to me when I was right was just an expression of who she was and what she believed in. If I would have listened to her rather than decide that I was right about things, I would have been more attracted to the beautiful unique individual that she was created to be.
14. Do things with other people your age
I can't say enough about having friends. I realize looking back that I was a Lone Ranger husband. I spent all of my time with my wife or our families. We rarely spent time socializing with other people except coworkers. We were missing out. Being married doesn't prohibit you from having fun, going to a ball game, or staying out late. It just changes who you share those memories with.
Bonus: Nights out on the town often lead to nights at home alone after.
15. Always promise forever...And keep that promise
This is the most important point I have about marriage. Marriage is hard. It is ugly. It makes you want to pull your hair out. But, it is also one of the most beautiful creations of God. How intricately he designed us to work together, and compliment one another. But the real truth of it is, marriage isn't about love, it isn't about attraction, it isn't even about making life easier. Marriage is about commitment. When you stand on the alter before men and before God you are making a commitment to honor and love this person despite every way they hurt you in the next 75 years.
So my challenge is this. If you aren't married remember that this is a forever commitment. Surround yourself with people who believe the same thing and are willing to do everything it takes to help you be successful.
If you are going to get married, go into it with the mindset that I am going to love this person everyday, all day, and I am going to continue to dedicate my whole life to them. I am no longer going to live my life selfishly, but rather, I am going to live my life to take care of my spouse.
Bonus: If you dedicate you marriage to God before men, it makes it harder to justify breaking the promise. Also if you do make marriage a lifelong commitment you will never end up going through the pain and suffering of a divorce.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce (2 of 3)
If you are just joining me for this post you should begin by checking out the first post of this series The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce.
I hate to acknowledge the growing number of families that find themselves neck deep in the pain and suffering of divorce, but I feel that there is always something that can be learned from the pain of others. Today there will be insights shared that might just help maybe one of two people learn from the places where I feel short in my marriage.
Let me start with a motto for this post: Divorce is ugly. Divorce is painful. Divorce sucks. But God is great and He will never divorce you.
6. Take the hints when your spouse wants to do something
It took me until a week after my ex-wife left me to realize the real implication of the phrase "take the hint." Women are subtle, and they rarely give men the black and white, step by step instructions we so desire. As a man I want nothing more than to make my wife happy. I would do anything for her, but I can only do that when I know what it is she wants.
Men are fairly loyal and generally we don't think twice about laying our lives down for our brothers in battle, taking a hit from a speeding car to save our children, or sacrificing our desires to please the women we love. The first two are easy. They have very defined boundaries and job descriptions. Self sacrifice comes easy when we know what the expectations are. The third, self sacrifice to please our wives, comes less naturally. We aren't male versions of Miss Cleo who know exactly what our wives want all the time.
So here is the truth, take the hints. When she asks if you want to go out and do something tonight, it really means that she wants to go out. If she asks if you want to watch a chick flick or a war movie, the fact that she said chick flick first means that she wants to watch a girly movie. If she asks if you are feeling hungry, it really means she is thinking about food and wants to eat.
It isn't rocket science for the most part. Men, we just need to listen to all of the little things that our women say and take note and action.
Bonus: When you pick up on the little things, she will think you are a better listener. Most often she will open up more in the future making the job of taking the hint progressively easier.
7. Don't accept "I'm fine." as a final answer
I hate it when people say "I'm fine." It is very similar to sending a one word text message followed by a period. It just doesn't convey anything about being fine. It says: I am sad, I'm upset, I don't want to tell you, Leave me alone...etc. So here is my new answer, "ok, but know that I am here whenever you want to talk."
I have learned that "I'm fine" is code for "there is something that is really bothering me, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet." The key there is the yet part, but in order for the time to come when your wife is ready to talk about it she has to feel safe, feel loved, and feel important. And she must feel all of these things at the same time.
First of all, feeling safe has very little to do with her physical security. Woman want to feel safe knowing that you aren't going to hurt them emotionally. You are going to listen to their feelings and not ever bring them up in the future to hurt them.
Secondly they want to know that you love them endlessly. That you love is not dependent on anything more than the fact that they are alive. That you love them in all circumstances and always.
Last and most importantly I have found that women are wanting to feel important. They want to be the center of the universe to you and only you. A good start to making her feel important is to care. Don't fake it. Women have radar for that kind of thing. Actually care about what is wrong and make empathizing the goal of you caring, not fixing the problem. I struggle with this still today. I am a repairman, but since I know this I have an advantage because I know where to focus my attention.
Bonus: When you really care about what is bothering her when she says "I'm fine" she will start talking sooner and feel better sooner. This means that the two of you can get back to laughing sooner when something puts you both into a funk.
8. There are no secrets in marriage
This is a double edge sword. It goes both ways in a sense. There is nothing that you can keep as a secret in your marriage forever, and there is nothing that should be kept as a secret from your spouse.
I like to think that since marriage is a God made institution that there are many God-Like qualities that are present in it. For instance, I often found myself trying to hide my flaws from my ex-wife, but she always knew all about them. Looking back I see how stupid that was and that it is similar to trying to hide your sins from God. He knows what you have done, and he never plans to bring it up to hurt you. He just wants you to admit that what you did was wrong so that he can love you in your victories even more.
I also found that secrets work like a wood splitting wedge. They drive in between the two people deeper and deeper until finally something breaks which separates the two pieces which were once united as a single unit. This is especially visible when they are secrets that we think we are protecting our spouse from. Things from our past we embarrassed about, or things from our present we are ashamed of sharing. Just take the risk and tell them the truth.
The other reason there are no secrets in marriage is simple. Our spouses know how to point out our mistakes and they know when we make them. This gives them a prime vantage point to catch us in lies and to discover things that others would never be able to discern. Don't bother hiding things, it is only a matter of time before they know ever dirty little secret you have in your closet. Remember their clothes are in the other half of the closet.
Bonus: When you stop hiding things from your spouse trust increases, and when trust increases so does intimacy. The are some physical benefits to intimacy.
9. Encourage outside friendships
As a young guy, sub-30, I witness too many young couples without friends. They spend every waking second together and forget to spend time away with other people. Something I learned in marriage, and I am still learning today, is the importance of having outside friends. There are many situations in life where you need more than just the support of the person on the other side of the bed.
There are other benefits to having more friends while you are dating, engaged and married. A huge benefit is the blessing that it is to have people that know both you and your significant other and are able to give advice that applies directly to the two of you. They can pour their knowledge directly into your life with meaning and direction. They can also see potentially rough waters ahead when they aren't the ones sitting in the boat.
Bonus: Friends can often speak wisdom to your spouse that you would never be able to share to them, and you will have excuses to get out of the house for man trips to the gun range, or lady trips to the salon.
10. Spend money making memories: Plan trips together
Though this falls to # 10 on the list I think it should take much greater importance than many other points on the list. There are some things in life that go beyond the value of money in importance: Friendship, Family, Children, Memories, Time, Faith.
When I look back at my failed marriage, I don't see hate or pain or anger. I see all of the memories that were made. Sadly, most of those memories were made in the beginning and slowly faded away in frequency over time. We stopped making it a point to do things just to make memories and have fun. We became so tied up in our lives and the the things that we needed to get done that we often forgot to make time to make memories.
Looking back, I wish I had scheduled time to take trips. I wish I would have dedicated part of my budget to memories and relationship growth. I never felt distant from my spouse when we were making a memory that would last a lifetime. It was actually something that was much more important than I gave it credit for. Memories are the things that you talk about. They are the things that you brag to your friends about. They are the things that you plug into conversation to talk about your spouse just to have the chance to bring them up to your friends.
Bonus: When you make memories with your spouse you will talk about them more and you will have a more positive image about your relationship, and you will have spent quality time getting to know your spouse and showing them how important they are to you. Generally this leads to increased intimacy.
I hate to acknowledge the growing number of families that find themselves neck deep in the pain and suffering of divorce, but I feel that there is always something that can be learned from the pain of others. Today there will be insights shared that might just help maybe one of two people learn from the places where I feel short in my marriage.
Let me start with a motto for this post: Divorce is ugly. Divorce is painful. Divorce sucks. But God is great and He will never divorce you.
6. Take the hints when your spouse wants to do something
It took me until a week after my ex-wife left me to realize the real implication of the phrase "take the hint." Women are subtle, and they rarely give men the black and white, step by step instructions we so desire. As a man I want nothing more than to make my wife happy. I would do anything for her, but I can only do that when I know what it is she wants.
Men are fairly loyal and generally we don't think twice about laying our lives down for our brothers in battle, taking a hit from a speeding car to save our children, or sacrificing our desires to please the women we love. The first two are easy. They have very defined boundaries and job descriptions. Self sacrifice comes easy when we know what the expectations are. The third, self sacrifice to please our wives, comes less naturally. We aren't male versions of Miss Cleo who know exactly what our wives want all the time.
So here is the truth, take the hints. When she asks if you want to go out and do something tonight, it really means that she wants to go out. If she asks if you want to watch a chick flick or a war movie, the fact that she said chick flick first means that she wants to watch a girly movie. If she asks if you are feeling hungry, it really means she is thinking about food and wants to eat.
It isn't rocket science for the most part. Men, we just need to listen to all of the little things that our women say and take note and action.
Bonus: When you pick up on the little things, she will think you are a better listener. Most often she will open up more in the future making the job of taking the hint progressively easier.
7. Don't accept "I'm fine." as a final answer
I hate it when people say "I'm fine." It is very similar to sending a one word text message followed by a period. It just doesn't convey anything about being fine. It says: I am sad, I'm upset, I don't want to tell you, Leave me alone...etc. So here is my new answer, "ok, but know that I am here whenever you want to talk."
I have learned that "I'm fine" is code for "there is something that is really bothering me, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet." The key there is the yet part, but in order for the time to come when your wife is ready to talk about it she has to feel safe, feel loved, and feel important. And she must feel all of these things at the same time.
First of all, feeling safe has very little to do with her physical security. Woman want to feel safe knowing that you aren't going to hurt them emotionally. You are going to listen to their feelings and not ever bring them up in the future to hurt them.
Secondly they want to know that you love them endlessly. That you love is not dependent on anything more than the fact that they are alive. That you love them in all circumstances and always.
Last and most importantly I have found that women are wanting to feel important. They want to be the center of the universe to you and only you. A good start to making her feel important is to care. Don't fake it. Women have radar for that kind of thing. Actually care about what is wrong and make empathizing the goal of you caring, not fixing the problem. I struggle with this still today. I am a repairman, but since I know this I have an advantage because I know where to focus my attention.
Bonus: When you really care about what is bothering her when she says "I'm fine" she will start talking sooner and feel better sooner. This means that the two of you can get back to laughing sooner when something puts you both into a funk.
8. There are no secrets in marriage
This is a double edge sword. It goes both ways in a sense. There is nothing that you can keep as a secret in your marriage forever, and there is nothing that should be kept as a secret from your spouse.
I like to think that since marriage is a God made institution that there are many God-Like qualities that are present in it. For instance, I often found myself trying to hide my flaws from my ex-wife, but she always knew all about them. Looking back I see how stupid that was and that it is similar to trying to hide your sins from God. He knows what you have done, and he never plans to bring it up to hurt you. He just wants you to admit that what you did was wrong so that he can love you in your victories even more.
I also found that secrets work like a wood splitting wedge. They drive in between the two people deeper and deeper until finally something breaks which separates the two pieces which were once united as a single unit. This is especially visible when they are secrets that we think we are protecting our spouse from. Things from our past we embarrassed about, or things from our present we are ashamed of sharing. Just take the risk and tell them the truth.
The other reason there are no secrets in marriage is simple. Our spouses know how to point out our mistakes and they know when we make them. This gives them a prime vantage point to catch us in lies and to discover things that others would never be able to discern. Don't bother hiding things, it is only a matter of time before they know ever dirty little secret you have in your closet. Remember their clothes are in the other half of the closet.
Bonus: When you stop hiding things from your spouse trust increases, and when trust increases so does intimacy. The are some physical benefits to intimacy.
9. Encourage outside friendships
As a young guy, sub-30, I witness too many young couples without friends. They spend every waking second together and forget to spend time away with other people. Something I learned in marriage, and I am still learning today, is the importance of having outside friends. There are many situations in life where you need more than just the support of the person on the other side of the bed.
There are other benefits to having more friends while you are dating, engaged and married. A huge benefit is the blessing that it is to have people that know both you and your significant other and are able to give advice that applies directly to the two of you. They can pour their knowledge directly into your life with meaning and direction. They can also see potentially rough waters ahead when they aren't the ones sitting in the boat.
Bonus: Friends can often speak wisdom to your spouse that you would never be able to share to them, and you will have excuses to get out of the house for man trips to the gun range, or lady trips to the salon.
10. Spend money making memories: Plan trips together
Though this falls to # 10 on the list I think it should take much greater importance than many other points on the list. There are some things in life that go beyond the value of money in importance: Friendship, Family, Children, Memories, Time, Faith.
When I look back at my failed marriage, I don't see hate or pain or anger. I see all of the memories that were made. Sadly, most of those memories were made in the beginning and slowly faded away in frequency over time. We stopped making it a point to do things just to make memories and have fun. We became so tied up in our lives and the the things that we needed to get done that we often forgot to make time to make memories.
Looking back, I wish I had scheduled time to take trips. I wish I would have dedicated part of my budget to memories and relationship growth. I never felt distant from my spouse when we were making a memory that would last a lifetime. It was actually something that was much more important than I gave it credit for. Memories are the things that you talk about. They are the things that you brag to your friends about. They are the things that you plug into conversation to talk about your spouse just to have the chance to bring them up to your friends.
Bonus: When you make memories with your spouse you will talk about them more and you will have a more positive image about your relationship, and you will have spent quality time getting to know your spouse and showing them how important they are to you. Generally this leads to increased intimacy.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The 15 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Divorce
(Part 1 of 3)
I am deviating from my normal topics of personal financial empowerment to talk about another topic that has hit close to home this year.
This post is in dedication to "Single Dad Laughing" a blog that recently posted a series of posts entitles 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage So here is my take on the things that I learned from my failed marriage. Maybe you can take something from it, or you can learn from my mistakes. I'd love feedback before I finish writing the other two posts for this series.
Enjoy & Merry Christmas!
1. Lead even when you aren't being followed
This was one of the lessons that I didn't learn until months after my divorce. There is more to being a leader than just directing the path of a relationship. Leading is more about being a man that is worthy to be followed. Making the choices that would be the best no matter who is looking at them.
I too often fell into the trap of leading only when my wife was looking to follow me. I forgot that I should be acting like a leader in every area of my life even when my wife wasn't interested in the things I had to say.
Bonus: When you act like a leader when people aren't following, others notice, respect and follow you out of desire instead of obligation.
2. Forgive first. Ask for forgiveness later
We have all heard the saying "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission." That may be true in the business world at times, but it has no place in a loving marriage. Our calling as a spouse is to forgive first. Be the bigger man and take that awful first step.
Looking back at my failed marriage I see scars we both left on each other's backs by not forgiving first. We were both young and selfish at times and we weren't willing to forgive each other of our past mistakes. Not only was that a horrible example to each other of our love, but it was a horrible way to build trust and intimacy. If I would have fully forgiven my wife of the ways that she had hurt me in the past I would have been much more trusting and supporting of everything she did. I wouldn't have felt the need to ask so many questions out of jealousy or distrust.
Bonus: When you forgive your spouse to the extent that your love covers over their faults you will find yourself more in love with the person on the other side of the bed. You might even be forgiven for all of the ways that you have hurt them in the past without even asking for/deserving it.
3. Take interest in your spouse's interests
I remember some of the things that were said to me by my wife during our divorce. The things that hurt the most at that time were the things that I knew were true. I had enough 20/20 vision in my rearview mirror to realize how much I had hurt her with my lack of support.
It wasn't that I didn't support her choices to go and do things different from the things that I choose to do. It was a hurt because I never came to watch her, or take part in her interests. I never knew that it was something that hurt so bad until recently when my mother (in her late 50's) told me how excited she was to have her mother come watch a performance at the preschool that my mother directs. That really put into perspective how much we desire the affirmation of our loved ones. Affirmation that just comes from standing on the sidelines.
Similarly to how a child looks up to their parents to come and be their biggest fans at all of their sporting events, choir concerts, band recitals, or poetry readings; your spouse wants you to be their biggest fan. The only difference is they aren't going to beg you to come watch them.
Bonus: When you cheer for your spouse, they will also cheer for you. It creates a special bond, much like being on a sports team that is very strong and united.
4. Never talk bad about their family. Even if they do.
We all fall into the conversations about our bad days at work, how we hate the government, or how much it irks us when people cut us off in the parking lot for the last spot when we are late for class. But here is some free advise: DON'T FALL INTO THE CONVERSATION TALKING BAD ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE'S FAMILY! As much as your spouse may want to vent about how her mom did this, her dad did that, how she isn't respected enough or how she wishes her dead beat brother would do something productive, it is never your place to join in on the conversation.
Listening to your spouse vent about their family is great, but never say anything degrading. It is often taken as an attack not only on their family, but also an attack at them. They might have just called their brother a worthless lazy bum, but that doesn't mean you have any right to say that same sentence back to them.
Take it from a childhood saying. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Bonus: Always talking positively about your in-laws will create positive expectations for the times when you are with them. "It isn't that we set our expectations too high and fail to achieve them, rather it is that we set them too low and stop at achieving them." People always live down to your expectations for them.
5. Remember what was exciting to do before you got married
Society has placed such a high demand for us to get out and do things when we are dating. I think it is a great way to build a friendship and create shared memories with someone, so why do we so often stop taking the time to do all the fun things once we get married?
Remember dating? Walks in the park, going on day trips to a lake, the zoo, trips to meet parents, weekends camping, nights out under the city lights, and trips to the country to look at the stars. Those are all such great memories. But, so many of us get so tied up in the normal activities of life and the rituals of our weeks that we forget to take time to do the fun things we did while we were dating.
Think of how much more fun it would be to goof off with your wife on a college campus, or how great it would be to waste a whole day at the mall trying on clothes that you would never actually buy. What great memories you can make when you go to the mall, try on outfits and then take pictures of yourselves dancing with mannequins.
Bonus: All of the memories you make with your spouse will help you remember why you fell in love with them. It will often lead to making more memories later that night.
I am deviating from my normal topics of personal financial empowerment to talk about another topic that has hit close to home this year.
This post is in dedication to "Single Dad Laughing" a blog that recently posted a series of posts entitles 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage So here is my take on the things that I learned from my failed marriage. Maybe you can take something from it, or you can learn from my mistakes. I'd love feedback before I finish writing the other two posts for this series.
Enjoy & Merry Christmas!
1. Lead even when you aren't being followed
This was one of the lessons that I didn't learn until months after my divorce. There is more to being a leader than just directing the path of a relationship. Leading is more about being a man that is worthy to be followed. Making the choices that would be the best no matter who is looking at them.
I too often fell into the trap of leading only when my wife was looking to follow me. I forgot that I should be acting like a leader in every area of my life even when my wife wasn't interested in the things I had to say.
Bonus: When you act like a leader when people aren't following, others notice, respect and follow you out of desire instead of obligation.
2. Forgive first. Ask for forgiveness later
We have all heard the saying "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission." That may be true in the business world at times, but it has no place in a loving marriage. Our calling as a spouse is to forgive first. Be the bigger man and take that awful first step.
Looking back at my failed marriage I see scars we both left on each other's backs by not forgiving first. We were both young and selfish at times and we weren't willing to forgive each other of our past mistakes. Not only was that a horrible example to each other of our love, but it was a horrible way to build trust and intimacy. If I would have fully forgiven my wife of the ways that she had hurt me in the past I would have been much more trusting and supporting of everything she did. I wouldn't have felt the need to ask so many questions out of jealousy or distrust.
Bonus: When you forgive your spouse to the extent that your love covers over their faults you will find yourself more in love with the person on the other side of the bed. You might even be forgiven for all of the ways that you have hurt them in the past without even asking for/deserving it.
3. Take interest in your spouse's interests
I remember some of the things that were said to me by my wife during our divorce. The things that hurt the most at that time were the things that I knew were true. I had enough 20/20 vision in my rearview mirror to realize how much I had hurt her with my lack of support.
It wasn't that I didn't support her choices to go and do things different from the things that I choose to do. It was a hurt because I never came to watch her, or take part in her interests. I never knew that it was something that hurt so bad until recently when my mother (in her late 50's) told me how excited she was to have her mother come watch a performance at the preschool that my mother directs. That really put into perspective how much we desire the affirmation of our loved ones. Affirmation that just comes from standing on the sidelines.
Similarly to how a child looks up to their parents to come and be their biggest fans at all of their sporting events, choir concerts, band recitals, or poetry readings; your spouse wants you to be their biggest fan. The only difference is they aren't going to beg you to come watch them.
Bonus: When you cheer for your spouse, they will also cheer for you. It creates a special bond, much like being on a sports team that is very strong and united.
4. Never talk bad about their family. Even if they do.
We all fall into the conversations about our bad days at work, how we hate the government, or how much it irks us when people cut us off in the parking lot for the last spot when we are late for class. But here is some free advise: DON'T FALL INTO THE CONVERSATION TALKING BAD ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE'S FAMILY! As much as your spouse may want to vent about how her mom did this, her dad did that, how she isn't respected enough or how she wishes her dead beat brother would do something productive, it is never your place to join in on the conversation.
Listening to your spouse vent about their family is great, but never say anything degrading. It is often taken as an attack not only on their family, but also an attack at them. They might have just called their brother a worthless lazy bum, but that doesn't mean you have any right to say that same sentence back to them.
Take it from a childhood saying. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Bonus: Always talking positively about your in-laws will create positive expectations for the times when you are with them. "It isn't that we set our expectations too high and fail to achieve them, rather it is that we set them too low and stop at achieving them." People always live down to your expectations for them.
5. Remember what was exciting to do before you got married
Society has placed such a high demand for us to get out and do things when we are dating. I think it is a great way to build a friendship and create shared memories with someone, so why do we so often stop taking the time to do all the fun things once we get married?
Remember dating? Walks in the park, going on day trips to a lake, the zoo, trips to meet parents, weekends camping, nights out under the city lights, and trips to the country to look at the stars. Those are all such great memories. But, so many of us get so tied up in the normal activities of life and the rituals of our weeks that we forget to take time to do the fun things we did while we were dating.
Think of how much more fun it would be to goof off with your wife on a college campus, or how great it would be to waste a whole day at the mall trying on clothes that you would never actually buy. What great memories you can make when you go to the mall, try on outfits and then take pictures of yourselves dancing with mannequins.
Bonus: All of the memories you make with your spouse will help you remember why you fell in love with them. It will often lead to making more memories later that night.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Scooter Mileage Update
Miles per gallon update continued from: Scooting Along
I've been spending a considerable amount of time on my scooter lately. If there is any word that expresses my overall opinion of all things scooter related it would be "Awesome."
I was finally able to track my fuel economy on my 2007 Honda Metropolitan and I was elated with the results. (I had lost the ability to track my speed/distance for a few weeks because I melted the speedometer gear during some front brake adjustments.) My last tank of gas was the reason for my excitement over the efficiency of the scooter. Over the course of a week I traveled 132.2 miles and used up a meager 1.089 gallons of 87 octane petrol at a total cost of $3.79.
132.2 Miles Traveled / 1.089 Gallons of gas = Average of 121.4 Miles/Gallon.
That brings my cost per mile to a sub $0.03 average.
Long story short.... I'm going to look at another scooter tonight so that I can have a matching pair.
I've been spending a considerable amount of time on my scooter lately. If there is any word that expresses my overall opinion of all things scooter related it would be "Awesome."
I was finally able to track my fuel economy on my 2007 Honda Metropolitan and I was elated with the results. (I had lost the ability to track my speed/distance for a few weeks because I melted the speedometer gear during some front brake adjustments.) My last tank of gas was the reason for my excitement over the efficiency of the scooter. Over the course of a week I traveled 132.2 miles and used up a meager 1.089 gallons of 87 octane petrol at a total cost of $3.79.
132.2 Miles Traveled / 1.089 Gallons of gas = Average of 121.4 Miles/Gallon.
That brings my cost per mile to a sub $0.03 average.
Long story short.... I'm going to look at another scooter tonight so that I can have a matching pair.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Scooting Along
As a young entrepreneur I am always looking out for a new way to make a buck to better my debt situations as I struggle to finish college.
Today's Solution... Buy a Scooter. (So I did. See Below)
Here is the break down.
Scooter - $1000 (used of course)
1yr of insurance - $100.00
Gas/100mi - $3.00
Motorcycle safety foundations class - $170.00
License - $8.00
License Test - $11.00
Total cost first year at 4000 miles of usage... $1,409.00
Car Gas/100mi - $17.50
1 yr of insurance - $450.00
Cost of Driving the car 4000 miles....$1150.00
Savings on a gas comparison level
Scooter cost per mile - $0.03
Car cost per mile - $0.175
Savings per 100 miles - $14.50
Savings per 1,000 miles - $145.00
Savings per 10,000 miles - $1,450.00
Savings per 20,000 miles - $2,900.00
In other words... once you have your scooter to 10,000 miles, it starts to make you money everywhere you drive it. of course it would actually be way before that because we didn't factor in the things like cost of maintenance on the car that would be saved by not driving it as often. Or the amount of money you would save by not buying so much crap when you are shopping because you have no room to take it home. But the great news is that you would be saving $57.00 on each tank of gas (400 miles)
So here it is... If you want to save money, buy a scooter. It pays in the long run, and you get to have a fun toy in the process; however, don't go selling you car just yet because it still rains and friends still need rides.
Today's Solution... Buy a Scooter. (So I did. See Below)
Here is the break down.
Scooter - $1000 (used of course)
1yr of insurance - $100.00
Gas/100mi - $3.00
Motorcycle safety foundations class - $170.00
License - $8.00
License Test - $11.00
Total cost first year at 4000 miles of usage... $1,409.00
Car Gas/100mi - $17.50
1 yr of insurance - $450.00
Cost of Driving the car 4000 miles....$1150.00
Savings on a gas comparison level
Scooter cost per mile - $0.03
Car cost per mile - $0.175
Savings per 100 miles - $14.50
Savings per 1,000 miles - $145.00
Savings per 10,000 miles - $1,450.00
Savings per 20,000 miles - $2,900.00
In other words... once you have your scooter to 10,000 miles, it starts to make you money everywhere you drive it. of course it would actually be way before that because we didn't factor in the things like cost of maintenance on the car that would be saved by not driving it as often. Or the amount of money you would save by not buying so much crap when you are shopping because you have no room to take it home. But the great news is that you would be saving $57.00 on each tank of gas (400 miles)
So here it is... If you want to save money, buy a scooter. It pays in the long run, and you get to have a fun toy in the process; however, don't go selling you car just yet because it still rains and friends still need rides.
Thoughts on Personal Finance
We all have some dream of what we would like our financial future to look like: the big house on the beach, the fast car, the commas in the savings account, the investment portfolio, the cool toys, nice clothes, long vacations. These may be the goals we have for our lives but like anything that is wanted for the future, it takes careful planning and hard work to achieve those goals.
Getting Started.
1. You can't ever be in control of your finances if you don't know what you make and what you spend.
2. You must have a goal in mind to achieve financial success. (Notice the word success is used here instead of wealth or prosperity, etc. Some people may only ever desire to live 1 day ahead of their bills, while others shutter of that thought of not having a 24 month cushion.)
3. Start with the information you already know.
Steps.
1. For one whole month collect all of your receipts, and write in a journal all of your cash transactions that do not have a paper trail (vending machines, lending to friends, cash tips, 7-Eleven snacks, etc.)
2. For that same month track how much money you make. Pay stubs, cash tips, gifts from friends, etc.
3. Make a list of all your fixed bills. Rent, Phone, Internet, Utilities, Insurance, Car Payment, Gas, Groceries, Loan payments, and any other bills that must be paid every month.
At the end of that month sit down and look at how much money you made first. Then deduct all of your fixed bills. This leaves your discretionary funds. This money is what you get to decide what you will do with. Will you eat out, go to movies, put some in savings, fix your car, buy new clothes, give some away, spoil your friends. This is the only part of your monthly income that you can change every month and have total control over. Most financial success is based on balancing your fixed bills, with the discretionary spending you would like to have. If you want to have more money to spend on your wants, then you will have to lower your fixed bills (rent, utilities, gas, car payment) or increase your income.
4. Categorize all of your spending for the first month you kept receipts. ex.
Rent - $800
Utilities - $163
Auto - $89.50
Gas - $247.51
Car insurance - $93.47
Groceries - $121.14
Dining Out - $84.50
Entertainment - $47.12
Fitness - $30
Clothing - $41.37
Medical - $45.00
Education - $73.00
Misc. - $ 160.20
Total - $1995.81
5. Determine how much money is left over at the end of the month from you total income-total expenses. Some, None, or < None.
6. Then the hard part. Decide if you like the final outcome of Some, None, or < None.
7. Make the choice to make changes the next month that will help you reach you goal. Some of the questions that you should ask yourself might include...
a. Do I really need to live in this $800 apartment or could I find a $650 one that would suit my needs across town?
b. Do I really need the $120 cable package, or could I survive on broadcast TV and internet streams?
c. Is the car I currently drive what I need? Would I be better off getting something more fuel efficient even if i have to give up cool points, or some space?
d. Should I really be eating out so much? Do I need to go to the movies every week?
e. Could I make smarter choices about the groceries I buy?
f. Could I set my A/C thermostat on temperatures that use less energy, 79 instead of 74 in the summer?
8. Make the commitment to your goal and figure out a way to achieve it. Is it the envelope system? where you cash you paycheck and put the money straight into the envelopes for each category and when the money is run out so is your spending for that category? Or maybe cash is your problem and you need to stop carrying cash because you nickel and dime yourself into the poor house?
Getting Started.
1. You can't ever be in control of your finances if you don't know what you make and what you spend.
2. You must have a goal in mind to achieve financial success. (Notice the word success is used here instead of wealth or prosperity, etc. Some people may only ever desire to live 1 day ahead of their bills, while others shutter of that thought of not having a 24 month cushion.)
3. Start with the information you already know.
Steps.
1. For one whole month collect all of your receipts, and write in a journal all of your cash transactions that do not have a paper trail (vending machines, lending to friends, cash tips, 7-Eleven snacks, etc.)
2. For that same month track how much money you make. Pay stubs, cash tips, gifts from friends, etc.
3. Make a list of all your fixed bills. Rent, Phone, Internet, Utilities, Insurance, Car Payment, Gas, Groceries, Loan payments, and any other bills that must be paid every month.
At the end of that month sit down and look at how much money you made first. Then deduct all of your fixed bills. This leaves your discretionary funds. This money is what you get to decide what you will do with. Will you eat out, go to movies, put some in savings, fix your car, buy new clothes, give some away, spoil your friends. This is the only part of your monthly income that you can change every month and have total control over. Most financial success is based on balancing your fixed bills, with the discretionary spending you would like to have. If you want to have more money to spend on your wants, then you will have to lower your fixed bills (rent, utilities, gas, car payment) or increase your income.
4. Categorize all of your spending for the first month you kept receipts. ex.
Rent - $800
Utilities - $163
Auto - $89.50
Gas - $247.51
Car insurance - $93.47
Groceries - $121.14
Dining Out - $84.50
Entertainment - $47.12
Fitness - $30
Clothing - $41.37
Medical - $45.00
Education - $73.00
Misc. - $ 160.20
Total - $1995.81
5. Determine how much money is left over at the end of the month from you total income-total expenses. Some, None, or < None.
6. Then the hard part. Decide if you like the final outcome of Some, None, or < None.
7. Make the choice to make changes the next month that will help you reach you goal. Some of the questions that you should ask yourself might include...
a. Do I really need to live in this $800 apartment or could I find a $650 one that would suit my needs across town?
b. Do I really need the $120 cable package, or could I survive on broadcast TV and internet streams?
c. Is the car I currently drive what I need? Would I be better off getting something more fuel efficient even if i have to give up cool points, or some space?
d. Should I really be eating out so much? Do I need to go to the movies every week?
e. Could I make smarter choices about the groceries I buy?
f. Could I set my A/C thermostat on temperatures that use less energy, 79 instead of 74 in the summer?
8. Make the commitment to your goal and figure out a way to achieve it. Is it the envelope system? where you cash you paycheck and put the money straight into the envelopes for each category and when the money is run out so is your spending for that category? Or maybe cash is your problem and you need to stop carrying cash because you nickel and dime yourself into the poor house?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Making Some Green
Although I wish I was writing about how I want everyone to start riding their bicycles to work, walking to the store two blocks down, trading in their 2011 Honda Pilot for a 1995 Civic DX, or only running their A/C when the inside temperature in the house is above 90 degrees; this is not the type of Green I am making.
Jobs. I have one. I wish I didn't.
Here is the pole.
1) Is it better to have a job that you enjoy 50% of the time but are happy about what the money you make from the job affords you
2) Is it better to have a job that you enjoy 90% of the time but can't afford all of the things you would like
3) Is it better to have no job and enjoy everything in life because all you have is free and you are more likely to give freely in return because of your poverty
Jobs. I have one. I wish I didn't.
Here is the pole.
1) Is it better to have a job that you enjoy 50% of the time but are happy about what the money you make from the job affords you
2) Is it better to have a job that you enjoy 90% of the time but can't afford all of the things you would like
3) Is it better to have no job and enjoy everything in life because all you have is free and you are more likely to give freely in return because of your poverty
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